Thursday, May 29, 2008


I was made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling Him enough to be mistaken for Him by anybody but a very nearsighted person.

I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey ~Mark Twain

Monday, May 26, 2008

One More For the Road?

I'm concerned that Hillary is buckling under the pressure to be liked by everyone.
In Pennsylvania and in Chicago she was in bars doing whiskey shots and drinking beer. This past weekend she was in a Puerto Rico bar drinking beer FROM A BOTTLE and dancing. (Only very loose women drink from the bottle. Or so I've heard. I don't really know.)(Really)

Dear, Dear,Hill: you are backing yourself into a corner trying to be one of the locals. What will you do when you're on some college campus and someone pulls out a bong? You thought Bill was a monkey on your back?

Just say no!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

All The Way, Hillary

News flash: Hillary said that if the people of Florida and Michigan want her to continue she will take this all the way to the convention.
I've been to Florida and I've known people from Michigan, so with those credentials I will speak for both states:

Please, please GO ALL THE WAY. That would be a dream come true! Hand to hand combat in Denver!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

They're Back!

A new battle began in my bathroom this morning. No, it wasn’t another gray hair or a new-found wrinkle. I’ve surrendered to aging (sort of). An ant had the audacity to stroll across the counter like it owned the place.

“Get out of here.” I shouted as I thumb-pressed the creature to death.

The enemy now vanquished from my kingdom, I continued my morning rituals.

That was just a drifter. I assured myself. It’s much too early for ants.

Later, I went back to brush my hair. Another one paraded itself through the sink. I killed that one with greater force and a muttered curse.

Ants aren’t usually a problem until summer, although it has been unseasonably hot. It’s May, for crying out loud! Let me at least get through the month of June.

As I write this, an eerie feeling of déjà vu envelopes me:

They’re back! The damn ants have returned to the site of last year’s extermination.

Ok, battle on! This year I may use a gun.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Text Stuff

I don’t ‘get’ text messaging. It seems incredibly time consuming and encourages people to spell badly.
“cn u c me 2dy?”
Come on, couldn’t you call me and ask the same question without appearing illiterate?
What's so important that you had to let me know right now?
Isn't texting fairly useless in the event of an emergency?

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Oh Hillary! Please Don't Go!

The pundits are encouraging Hillary to give up her big dream of absolute power. I want her to stay in the race even if her loss is inevitable.
Why, you ask, would I, a card-carrying conservative want her to continue? I'll tell you why:
I have the entire summer's entertainment planned around the Democrat's knock-down, drag-out convention.
Sure, I know normal people don't find that stuff interesting, but I've never claimed to be normal. I want to see Hillary bitch-slap Bill Richardson while steam blows out of the former president's ears and he turns the color of Barney the Dinosaur. I'd enjoy seeing James Carville in a knife fight with Howard Dean. I imagine armed guards pulling Hillary from the convention while she screams, "You OWE me!" It won't be pretty but it will be entertaining.
It'll make the 1968 debacle of 'The whole world is watching' look like tea-time at Wimbledon.

I enjoy roll-call where states announce their claim to fame:
The great state of Mississippi, who kicks Alabama's ass in football, declares all their votes for (insert candidate name).

Georgia- the state that made the peanut famous and produced Jimmy Carter, the worst president and now former president in the history of the world casts all their votes for (I.C.N.)

The mellow state of California, where marijuana is legal but prayer is not, where we are so far left of center we've fallen off the damn planet casts some votes for (I.C.N.) and the rest we can't remember.
Anyway, maybe it's just me, but I'm looking forward to the madness.