Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Farewell and Adieu. Don't Let the Screen Door Hit Ya . . .

Each year the image of a sweet baby in diapers ushers in the New Year, while the Old Year (1yr+1min. old mind you) is portrayed by a decrepit old man. The old guy is then unceremoniously thrown under the bus by a thankless bunch of fools throwing confetti around, blowing those stupid little paper horns and banging on pots and pans. (A tradition obviously not created by a sane person who's also a mother and the genesis of my catch phrase, Hey you kids! Knock it off!

Let's take a moment and think about some of the good stuff that happened in 2008.:

5) Ralph Nader was not elected President of anything, except maybe his own fan club. Ralph? Party of one? Oh, you brought your mom!
(Reality: That's still good news!)

4) Greed has, at last, been acknowledged as a bad thing.
(Reality: Nobody, nowhere has any money; zilch, nada, zero)

3) My son-in-law installed new headlights in my car for Christmas. (Actually, I get to use them for all holidays, including made up ones like Kwanzaa.) I can now drive through dark canyons without wearing my glasses.
(Reality: I'm asleep by 9pm, plus the CHP got that court order.)

2) It was a Leap Year so we had 366 days.
(Reality: There were 366 days!)

1)I'm grasping at straws here. To sum it up: That loud sucking sound you heard? That was 2008.

So, goodbye to the old guy and hello to the new kid. I think we can guess what little surprise he's carrying in those diapers.

I've Been WiiD

I've already confessed that many of today's doodads and thing-a-ma-jigs are beyond my grasp. Usually I figure out just enough so that I don't appear as a complete moron. Well, Nintendo Wii and my granddaughter have remedied that!

Not interested in jumping over virtual logs or climbing virtual mountains (plus I have a cold and I'm, well, old) Katie conned me into playing with the Cooking Mama (dare-I-say) game. I couldn't get it to start so the kid tells me to hold the nunchuk (a Chinese word meaning " stupid plastic thing for American fools) like a spoon and stir. Nothing. Next, I was instructed to wave it in the air like a sword. Same result.

After what seemed like an eternity of gyrations including my standing up and walking within 2 inches from the TV, the kid just cracked up.

"What? It still won't work." I whined.

"I know," said the brat, "I just wanted to see if you'd do it."

Now wii know!

Monday, December 29, 2008

The F@!#$%& Enemy Returns

At first there was just one or two strolling through the kitchen. I killed them immediately. I figured that was warning enough to the others. It wasn't. More are coming and not just to the kitchen now but into the bathroom, the laundry room and I swear I saw one in my bedroom. I feel no guilt over their deaths. They are, after all, invading my home not the other way around.

Here is my dilemma: the foul language that's involved. Mine, not theirs. I cannot kill the little black !#$%^&*s without also cursing each and every one, plus all their relatives. It's beginning to sound like a sailor has taken up residence here; an ill-mannered sailor with a foul mouth and a tendency toward mass murder. Sort of like Charles Manson without the charm.

Everytime I see one of these little #$%#*!*, I take it as a personal insult, an unprovoked attack on my character. I would never go into their homes uninvited. Actually, I wouldn't go if I was invited, but that is not the point. The point is the cursing. I'm willing to tolerate them as long as they stay outside. They can have the entire yard to themselves, they can have YOUR yard, I don't care! But once they make the fatal mistake of coming into my house, there will be hell to pay. If that means that an entire clan is wiped off the planet, so be it. I am prepared to make Idi Amin look like the freaking tooth fairy.

I do feel a little guilty about my, well, language. These are not words I use in polite company, though I will confess I have uttered some of them while driving. Okay, I confess. I've used ALL of them while driving. And sometimes when I'm listening to long-winded politicians and . . . well you get the picture.

So, I'm not asking for approval of my "bad words" I'm merely explaining why I've developed what appears to be an onset of Tourette's syndrome. The ants, the !#%$&*! ants.

I tried a 12 step program but that only killed 12 of the !#$%^& and that isn't really effective or long-lasting.

I realize these are just the rantings of a crazy woman but what else can I do?

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Is it just me or has Al Gore been quiet for a long time?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

New Food Rules!

Women like to make up diet rules for themselves. I know many women who claim that any food eaten while standing is virtually calorie free. Another rule is that the calories in cakes and pies are automatically eliminated if you are merely ‘cleaning up the edges’. It goes without saying that one can be as compulsively ‘neat’ as one feels is necessary. On occasion I have eaten nearly half a pie in this endeavor. I’m an extremely neat person.

My favorite diet rule concerns chocolate. I have a theory that chocolate is essentially a vegetable. Once I offer my hypothesis I’m sure you’ll agree:
Chocolate grows on a bush, and we all know bushes are plants that grow in soil. What else grows on a plant and/or in the soil? Vegetables, of course! I believe that Chocolate is, by nature, a vegetable. The myriad of dieticians I’ve spoken with always recommend unlimited servings of vegetables. See how this works? Don’t you wish you’d discovered this? (Occasionally I discover I am an actual genius!)

To extrapolate on this same theory, add nuts to the equation. Nuts, a legume, are a type of vegetable which provide protein. Ask any vegetarian. They seem quite well informed about nuts.

With careful planning one can have two servings of vegetables AND a serving of protein while no animal has been harmed. We’re talking guilt-free food here! I wonder, if you eat milk –chocolate, would that count as a dairy serving as well?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Melting Magic

Day 2: Snow magic? Not so much today. Yesterday I moved my car out from under the carport because I've seen them collapse with the weight of snow (the carport, not the car). So, it took me a 1/2 hr to dig the car out enough to drive the 1/4 mile to the mailbox for yesterday's mail. I know, I should have walked. Good news: the car didn't collapse either. Today's mail can just sit there.

I'm sick of my own company and sick of the food (the little that's left) in my home. Worse than that is an unwelcome invasion of ants. Apparently this are ants who haven't heard of my reputation for insecticide and vacumn cleaners. I can report that so far I have won this battle. I suggest that their relatives check blog archives for August 2007

Damn ants!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My Day So Far

Earlier Today

After 14 hours of snowfall and snacking

Hope and Change, Fulfilled!

A White Wednesday

There's something magical about the first snowfall. This plain old world becomes fresh and new, cleaner somehow. Maybe it's only magical here in the desert and maybe only if you don't have anyplace you must be. Whatever it is, I love it and have spent most of the morning staring out of my window, mesmerized by the sheer beauty of it.
I've lived in snow country and I know that there is a point when snow becomes filthy slush, a nuisance piled high along the roadside. But even there the first snow is special. A new start that wipes away the previous days troubles like God wipes clean our hearts when we let Him in.
So, I will enjoy this rare beauty, wrapped up in my cozy quilt and feeling as serene as each snowflake. I'll be fine. I have heat and about 15 pounds of freshly made toffee, some fudge and all the ingredients to make more. I'll keep watching and eating until the newness wears off. Or, I weigh 300 pounds. Expect a "large craft warning" when I do leave the house.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Monday, December 8, 2008

Deck the Halls

While I enjoy all the Christmas music and displays, I wonder if we can still sing the line "Don we now our gay apparel."?

Does that violate some politically-correct law?

"Don we now our sexual identity, transgender and/or personal choice apparel" just seems a bit awkward, doesn't it?

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Big 3 Goes to Congress

I heard a guy on the radio give a suggested scenario of the Big 3 asking Congress for a bailout:

CEOs are seated at a small desk off to the side of the room, alone.
An aide appears and asks, "How much to you want to borrow and what do you want your monthly payments to be?"
Regardless of the answer the aide says, "Well, I don't know. Let me check with my manager."
Aide disappears around the corner.
Thirty minutes later a different aide appears and rechecks the figures and makes a counter-offer much less beneficial to the Big 3 before he leaves to check with his manager.
This should go on for at least 1 1/2 hours.
Finally, Dick Cheney walks out and they start from the beginning.

(It should happen!)

Monday, December 1, 2008

Bloody Friday

As I've aged I have become wiser: I no longer participate in the after Thanksgiving shop-a-thon. These are my top five reasons:

#5: It is too cold at 4:00 AM.
#4: I am cranky when I'm tired, cold and hungry, regardless of the time of day.
#3: I don't want anything that badly.
#2: I don't own body armor or a hard hat.
and the top reason is:
#1: I don't carry a weapon.

Appropriate dress used to be a fanny pack for your money and comfortable shoes. When did guns become de rigueur at Toys R Us?