Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Farewell and Adieu. Don't Let the Screen Door Hit Ya . . .

Each year the image of a sweet baby in diapers ushers in the New Year, while the Old Year (1yr+1min. old mind you) is portrayed by a decrepit old man. The old guy is then unceremoniously thrown under the bus by a thankless bunch of fools throwing confetti around, blowing those stupid little paper horns and banging on pots and pans. (A tradition obviously not created by a sane person who's also a mother and the genesis of my catch phrase, Hey you kids! Knock it off!

Let's take a moment and think about some of the good stuff that happened in 2008.:

5) Ralph Nader was not elected President of anything, except maybe his own fan club. Ralph? Party of one? Oh, you brought your mom!
(Reality: That's still good news!)

4) Greed has, at last, been acknowledged as a bad thing.
(Reality: Nobody, nowhere has any money; zilch, nada, zero)

3) My son-in-law installed new headlights in my car for Christmas. (Actually, I get to use them for all holidays, including made up ones like Kwanzaa.) I can now drive through dark canyons without wearing my glasses.
(Reality: I'm asleep by 9pm, plus the CHP got that court order.)

2) It was a Leap Year so we had 366 days.
(Reality: There were 366 days!)

1)I'm grasping at straws here. To sum it up: That loud sucking sound you heard? That was 2008.

So, goodbye to the old guy and hello to the new kid. I think we can guess what little surprise he's carrying in those diapers.

I've Been WiiD

I've already confessed that many of today's doodads and thing-a-ma-jigs are beyond my grasp. Usually I figure out just enough so that I don't appear as a complete moron. Well, Nintendo Wii and my granddaughter have remedied that!

Not interested in jumping over virtual logs or climbing virtual mountains (plus I have a cold and I'm, well, old) Katie conned me into playing with the Cooking Mama (dare-I-say) game. I couldn't get it to start so the kid tells me to hold the nunchuk (a Chinese word meaning " stupid plastic thing for American fools) like a spoon and stir. Nothing. Next, I was instructed to wave it in the air like a sword. Same result.

After what seemed like an eternity of gyrations including my standing up and walking within 2 inches from the TV, the kid just cracked up.

"What? It still won't work." I whined.

"I know," said the brat, "I just wanted to see if you'd do it."

Now wii know!

Monday, December 29, 2008

The F@!#$%& Enemy Returns

At first there was just one or two strolling through the kitchen. I killed them immediately. I figured that was warning enough to the others. It wasn't. More are coming and not just to the kitchen now but into the bathroom, the laundry room and I swear I saw one in my bedroom. I feel no guilt over their deaths. They are, after all, invading my home not the other way around.

Here is my dilemma: the foul language that's involved. Mine, not theirs. I cannot kill the little black !#$%^&*s without also cursing each and every one, plus all their relatives. It's beginning to sound like a sailor has taken up residence here; an ill-mannered sailor with a foul mouth and a tendency toward mass murder. Sort of like Charles Manson without the charm.

Everytime I see one of these little #$%#*!*, I take it as a personal insult, an unprovoked attack on my character. I would never go into their homes uninvited. Actually, I wouldn't go if I was invited, but that is not the point. The point is the cursing. I'm willing to tolerate them as long as they stay outside. They can have the entire yard to themselves, they can have YOUR yard, I don't care! But once they make the fatal mistake of coming into my house, there will be hell to pay. If that means that an entire clan is wiped off the planet, so be it. I am prepared to make Idi Amin look like the freaking tooth fairy.

I do feel a little guilty about my, well, language. These are not words I use in polite company, though I will confess I have uttered some of them while driving. Okay, I confess. I've used ALL of them while driving. And sometimes when I'm listening to long-winded politicians and . . . well you get the picture.

So, I'm not asking for approval of my "bad words" I'm merely explaining why I've developed what appears to be an onset of Tourette's syndrome. The ants, the !#%$&*! ants.

I tried a 12 step program but that only killed 12 of the !#$%^& and that isn't really effective or long-lasting.

I realize these are just the rantings of a crazy woman but what else can I do?

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Is it just me or has Al Gore been quiet for a long time?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

New Food Rules!

Women like to make up diet rules for themselves. I know many women who claim that any food eaten while standing is virtually calorie free. Another rule is that the calories in cakes and pies are automatically eliminated if you are merely ‘cleaning up the edges’. It goes without saying that one can be as compulsively ‘neat’ as one feels is necessary. On occasion I have eaten nearly half a pie in this endeavor. I’m an extremely neat person.

My favorite diet rule concerns chocolate. I have a theory that chocolate is essentially a vegetable. Once I offer my hypothesis I’m sure you’ll agree:
Chocolate grows on a bush, and we all know bushes are plants that grow in soil. What else grows on a plant and/or in the soil? Vegetables, of course! I believe that Chocolate is, by nature, a vegetable. The myriad of dieticians I’ve spoken with always recommend unlimited servings of vegetables. See how this works? Don’t you wish you’d discovered this? (Occasionally I discover I am an actual genius!)

To extrapolate on this same theory, add nuts to the equation. Nuts, a legume, are a type of vegetable which provide protein. Ask any vegetarian. They seem quite well informed about nuts.

With careful planning one can have two servings of vegetables AND a serving of protein while no animal has been harmed. We’re talking guilt-free food here! I wonder, if you eat milk –chocolate, would that count as a dairy serving as well?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Melting Magic

Day 2: Snow magic? Not so much today. Yesterday I moved my car out from under the carport because I've seen them collapse with the weight of snow (the carport, not the car). So, it took me a 1/2 hr to dig the car out enough to drive the 1/4 mile to the mailbox for yesterday's mail. I know, I should have walked. Good news: the car didn't collapse either. Today's mail can just sit there.

I'm sick of my own company and sick of the food (the little that's left) in my home. Worse than that is an unwelcome invasion of ants. Apparently this are ants who haven't heard of my reputation for insecticide and vacumn cleaners. I can report that so far I have won this battle. I suggest that their relatives check blog archives for August 2007

Damn ants!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My Day So Far

Earlier Today

After 14 hours of snowfall and snacking

Hope and Change, Fulfilled!

A White Wednesday

There's something magical about the first snowfall. This plain old world becomes fresh and new, cleaner somehow. Maybe it's only magical here in the desert and maybe only if you don't have anyplace you must be. Whatever it is, I love it and have spent most of the morning staring out of my window, mesmerized by the sheer beauty of it.
I've lived in snow country and I know that there is a point when snow becomes filthy slush, a nuisance piled high along the roadside. But even there the first snow is special. A new start that wipes away the previous days troubles like God wipes clean our hearts when we let Him in.
So, I will enjoy this rare beauty, wrapped up in my cozy quilt and feeling as serene as each snowflake. I'll be fine. I have heat and about 15 pounds of freshly made toffee, some fudge and all the ingredients to make more. I'll keep watching and eating until the newness wears off. Or, I weigh 300 pounds. Expect a "large craft warning" when I do leave the house.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Monday, December 8, 2008

Deck the Halls

While I enjoy all the Christmas music and displays, I wonder if we can still sing the line "Don we now our gay apparel."?

Does that violate some politically-correct law?

"Don we now our sexual identity, transgender and/or personal choice apparel" just seems a bit awkward, doesn't it?

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Big 3 Goes to Congress

I heard a guy on the radio give a suggested scenario of the Big 3 asking Congress for a bailout:

CEOs are seated at a small desk off to the side of the room, alone.
An aide appears and asks, "How much to you want to borrow and what do you want your monthly payments to be?"
Regardless of the answer the aide says, "Well, I don't know. Let me check with my manager."
Aide disappears around the corner.
Thirty minutes later a different aide appears and rechecks the figures and makes a counter-offer much less beneficial to the Big 3 before he leaves to check with his manager.
This should go on for at least 1 1/2 hours.
Finally, Dick Cheney walks out and they start from the beginning.

(It should happen!)

Monday, December 1, 2008

Bloody Friday

As I've aged I have become wiser: I no longer participate in the after Thanksgiving shop-a-thon. These are my top five reasons:

#5: It is too cold at 4:00 AM.
#4: I am cranky when I'm tired, cold and hungry, regardless of the time of day.
#3: I don't want anything that badly.
#2: I don't own body armor or a hard hat.
and the top reason is:
#1: I don't carry a weapon.

Appropriate dress used to be a fanny pack for your money and comfortable shoes. When did guns become de rigueur at Toys R Us?

Monday, November 24, 2008

Friday, November 14, 2008

I Know You're Asking

Q: Does Kat have anything original to say or is she just going to agree with other clever people?

A: No and Yes, just until my brain fog lifts. Outlook is cloudy.

Worthwhile Quote

" It's time for new management and stringent conditions. It's Uncle Sam. It's not Uncle Sucker."
-Rep. Jim Cooper, (D-Tenn.)
on using taxpayer money
to save poorly run companies.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

A New Day

I quote Don The Baptist in his eloquent post:

I voted for John McCain today and he lost. I have to say I'm dissappointed. And yet, its a historic day for America. Barack Obama is this country's first black president. Just forty-five years after Dr. Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech on the Mall in Washington DC, that dream is seeing true fulfillment. To that I say amen. The people of my generation can stop bemoaning American racism. It no longer exists in any meaningful way. This election has nailed that coffin shut.John McCain's concession speech was nothing but class and a fitting valediction for the man. I wish President Elect Obama a great presidency. I pray for his safety. Most of all I wish for an end to the tit-for-tat, You-dissed-my-guy-so-I'll-diss-yours-politics of the past sixteen years. Can we get on with our normal lives again?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Fortune Cookie Wisdom

I just opened a fortune cookie and it held election advice:
Stick to things as they are, distrust novelties.

Although not schooled in foreign languages, I'm pretty sure "novelties" is the Chinese translation of Barack Obama.
I'm just sayin' . . .

Monday, November 3, 2008

My Time Zone

Once again, like obedient little soldiers, we've changed our clocks back 1 hour. Why? Because the government said so.

With the arrival of standard time the big lie returns: We got to sleep an extra hour. No WE didn't! Who came up with that crap? There were 24 hours in each day before and after this exercise in futility. We won't lose an hour when daylight savings time returns either. I hate to break it to you- no, that's not true, I love to set people straight.

I don't enjoy darkness at 5 PM. When it's dark so early I put my pjs on. Once I have my pjs on I get sleepy and go to bed. That means I awake at 4 AM. Guess what? It's STILL dark! It's like living in a bat cave.

Beginning next spring I will refuse to change my clocks either forward or backwards. Hawaii and Arizona don't change their clocks, why do I have to? In fact, I'm going to choose my own time zone. I will call it the Whatever The Hell Time I Want It To Be Timezone.


After watching non-stop political ads, listening to talking points and talking heads, I slipped into a coma only to emerge and discover IT'S NOT OVER! This has been the longest campaign in the history of the world.

How long after January 22, 2009 before it starts again? Hey People! Let us take a freaking breath!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Send in the Clowns

Speaker of the House Rep. Nancy "Bellicose", D-San Francisco, talks with reporters Sunday with, from left, Rep Barney "Fife", D-Mass, Senate Majority Leader Sen. "Scary" Reid, D-Nev, and Sen. Chris "Odd", D-Conn., continue to annoy Americans with their constant yammering.
Their tirade is expected to continue until the rest of us storm Congress with pitchforks and torches (Political equivilant of silver bullets) or their constituents pull their heads out of their butts.
Pitchforks would make fast work of either option. I'm just sayin', it's an idea.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Big Bucks!

$700 Billion will save our nation from financial ruin.

How much would it cost to shut up Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid?
Maybe we could hold a telethon and raise the necessary funds. Folks would pay good money for that.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Quote of the Day

My nearly 11yr old granddaughter knows I support John McCain so naturally she does too. She's enthralled by the idea of a female VP and is now running for VP of the student council.

Katie, declaring she's a Republican, said: "Democrats . . . aren't they the people who don't believe in Jesus?"

I suggested that she might not want to say that at a public school.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Jesse Jackson Hospitalized!

Georgia- Jesse Jackson was hospitalized yesterday, complaining of severe stomach pains while campaigning for Sen Barack Obama.

If Obama wins we'll all be suffering pains- in the neck, ass and pocket areas.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Hockey Mom Kicks Butt!

John McCain is brilliant! If I ever grow up, I want to be just like Sarah Palin!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

The Obama Promise

If you're like me you prefer the Reader's Digest version of most political speeches. I have spent the last few days condensing Obama's vision:

"America, blah, blah blah blah, eat the rich people, blah blah blah, Global warming, blah blah blah. Tax big oil, blah blah blah, and blah. Make nice with mean people in Iran and North Korea. Blah blah blah and blah. A chicken and some pot and every child gets a pony!"

You're welcome!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Really Big Show

I expected Obama to arrive on a cloud, surrounded by angelic trumpeters.

No, Sheryl Crow and Stevie Wonder don't count.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Medical Mystery?

Scientists, using boatloads of grant money, come up with answers that I could have told them if they'd just bothered to ask me.
For example, a recent report: "Scientists discover the cause of Post-Partum Depression."

Hey, Brainiacs: "I'll take Babies for $200, Alex."

Exactly zero women who have never given birth experience Post-Partum Depression.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Quote O'the Day

Jesse Jackson Jr.: "No one wants an angry African-American man in the White House."

How about an Angry, White, Middle-aged Menopausal Woman with access to nuclear weapons?
I'm just sayin', it coulda happened.

My Dream Team

If it was up to me (relax- it's not) Hillary Clinton would have been Obama's VP choice. Not because I like either of them, I think it would supply comedians with joke material for at least 4 yrs.
Will Clinton Supporters aka P.U.M.A (Party Unity My Ass) live up to their name?
I can only hope that the next 4 days in Denver will provide enough hostility to make Iraq look like a drive-by shooting on the east side of town. I'm still hoping for a knife-fight between Bill Clinton and Bill Richardson. That Judas!
A girl can dream.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Skeet Death Toll Rises

Why must innocent Skeet be killed by athletes with firearms to win Olympic medals? Can't they just shoot at targets? Or beer bottles? Or pigeons?
Folks used to go on snipe hunts. Nobody does that anymore, I guess because the snipe were over-hunted and are now extinct. It's all very sad.

Is She Gone?

I thought the old broad would never leave! Finally I have an opportunity to tell you what I'm really thinking. Like the time she . . . OH Crap! I just heard her come back. Don't say anything, 'kay?

To My Faithful and Accidental Readers:

I'm going to be away from the blog for a few days so I have left my evil twin, Skippy, to take over for me.

I will not be responsible for any postings Skippy may write that insult, ridicule or contain foul language, unless they're really brilliant and funny. She's kind of a loose cannon but I have no choice. I leave you in her questionable hands.


Kathleen Flynn

Friday, August 15, 2008

On This Date In History

1769~ Napoleon Bonaparte was born on the island of Corsica.

That's it. Make up your own joke, I got nothin'.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

California Real Estate Offer

Beach cottage with ocean views just steps from the water.
RV parking in rear.
Great fixer-upper
Cash Only

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Chinese Did It!

In the spirit of the Chinese Olympic Committee, I have selected this picture to represent me because recent photos reflect a truth that is not in the best interest of our country.

The thoughts and words will continue to be from my current brain, but I'd like for you to pretend I still look this good.

In answer to your anticipated questions: 1)Yes. 2) No. and 3) Yes, but I was very young and needed the money.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Questions O' The Day

Is it just me or does Rielle Hunter (John Edwards' indiscretion) look like Camilla Parker Bowles, Prince Charles' wife and former indiscretion?
Was John Edwards so blinded by his own flame that he didn't look closely at this woman?
How weird is it that both men have last names that are possessive nouns?
Did yet another misogynist screw up Hillary's political future?
Will this affect Brett Favre?

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Irish Wisdom

It's really so simple...
An email from Ireland to their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States .

On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church, is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run!

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What in Lord's name are you lads thinking over there in the colonies??

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Stuff O'The Day

Newsflash: 2 wks ago: Tomatoes will kill you. 1 wk ago: chili peppers will kill you. Now: Something you eat, drink, touch or breath will kill you.

We at the Big High Muckedy-Muck Office of Government-Knows-Best, brings you this news on a daily, if not hourly, basis. We really don't know any more than you do. To be safe, we will randomly select a variety of consumer products and issue vague warnings.

For your own safety we urge you to stay inside your air-conditioned homes with the blinds drawn and take short, shallow breathes until we learn that cool air contains a deadly toxin and the only hope is to live on the sun. Except for the UV factor you should be safe once you are incinerated.

Have A Nice Day! Remember, We're here to help!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Fight! Fight! Fight!

There's a group that continues to support Hillary regardless of Dem. Party decisions. They call themselves "P.U.M.A.", as in "Party Unity, My Ass!"
Doesn't that sound like something I'd make up? Don't I wish I had!

Will Rodney "Can't we all just get along?" King, be the keynote speaker at the convention?

Will this happen before or after Jesse Jackson castrates Barack?

To quote Mike Rowe, host of Discovery Channel's Dirty Jobs: There Will Be Poo!

and to quote The Beatles: Let It Be, Let It Be

Monday, June 30, 2008

Barack & Bubba

Bill Clinton tells Obama that he will do whatever he can to insure that Obama is elected president.
Just do what you did for Hillary.

Friday, June 27, 2008


*****Barack Obama WAS NOT born in a manger.*****

Friday, June 13, 2008

Tim Russert 1950-2008

Such sad news. I've respected and admired Tim Russert for many years. After reading his book about his Dad, Big Russ and Me, it was easy to see that he was grounded by faith and love.
I pray for comfort for his family in the days ahead.

Monday, June 9, 2008


I am deeply disappointed that Hillary has called it quits. My plans for watching a free-for-all are destroyed. Maybe Bill will have a public meltdown for my viewing pleasure.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Campaign Chairman, Terry McAuliffe announces that Hillary is NOT conceding to Obama.
You go Girl! I dedicate my theme song to you: "I get knocked down but I get up again" by Chumbawamba

On the off chance that there is someone casually reading this blog, don't mistake me for a supporter of HRC. I proudly endorse John McCain just like I did in 2000.
I'm just looking forward to the chaos coming to Denver in which I will be glued to the TV watching the convention blow-by-blow. Shades of Chicago, 1968 "The Whole World Is Watching" -well at least one middle-aged woman in the Antelope Valley!

Will Rogers said it best:
"I am not a member of any organized political party. I'm a Democrat."

Thursday, May 29, 2008


I was made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling Him enough to be mistaken for Him by anybody but a very nearsighted person.

I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey ~Mark Twain

Monday, May 26, 2008

One More For the Road?

I'm concerned that Hillary is buckling under the pressure to be liked by everyone.
In Pennsylvania and in Chicago she was in bars doing whiskey shots and drinking beer. This past weekend she was in a Puerto Rico bar drinking beer FROM A BOTTLE and dancing. (Only very loose women drink from the bottle. Or so I've heard. I don't really know.)(Really)

Dear, Dear,Hill: you are backing yourself into a corner trying to be one of the locals. What will you do when you're on some college campus and someone pulls out a bong? You thought Bill was a monkey on your back?

Just say no!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

All The Way, Hillary

News flash: Hillary said that if the people of Florida and Michigan want her to continue she will take this all the way to the convention.
I've been to Florida and I've known people from Michigan, so with those credentials I will speak for both states:

Please, please GO ALL THE WAY. That would be a dream come true! Hand to hand combat in Denver!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

They're Back!

A new battle began in my bathroom this morning. No, it wasn’t another gray hair or a new-found wrinkle. I’ve surrendered to aging (sort of). An ant had the audacity to stroll across the counter like it owned the place.

“Get out of here.” I shouted as I thumb-pressed the creature to death.

The enemy now vanquished from my kingdom, I continued my morning rituals.

That was just a drifter. I assured myself. It’s much too early for ants.

Later, I went back to brush my hair. Another one paraded itself through the sink. I killed that one with greater force and a muttered curse.

Ants aren’t usually a problem until summer, although it has been unseasonably hot. It’s May, for crying out loud! Let me at least get through the month of June.

As I write this, an eerie feeling of déjà vu envelopes me:

They’re back! The damn ants have returned to the site of last year’s extermination.

Ok, battle on! This year I may use a gun.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Text Stuff

I don’t ‘get’ text messaging. It seems incredibly time consuming and encourages people to spell badly.
“cn u c me 2dy?”
Come on, couldn’t you call me and ask the same question without appearing illiterate?
What's so important that you had to let me know right now?
Isn't texting fairly useless in the event of an emergency?

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Oh Hillary! Please Don't Go!

The pundits are encouraging Hillary to give up her big dream of absolute power. I want her to stay in the race even if her loss is inevitable.
Why, you ask, would I, a card-carrying conservative want her to continue? I'll tell you why:
I have the entire summer's entertainment planned around the Democrat's knock-down, drag-out convention.
Sure, I know normal people don't find that stuff interesting, but I've never claimed to be normal. I want to see Hillary bitch-slap Bill Richardson while steam blows out of the former president's ears and he turns the color of Barney the Dinosaur. I'd enjoy seeing James Carville in a knife fight with Howard Dean. I imagine armed guards pulling Hillary from the convention while she screams, "You OWE me!" It won't be pretty but it will be entertaining.
It'll make the 1968 debacle of 'The whole world is watching' look like tea-time at Wimbledon.

I enjoy roll-call where states announce their claim to fame:
The great state of Mississippi, who kicks Alabama's ass in football, declares all their votes for (insert candidate name).

Georgia- the state that made the peanut famous and produced Jimmy Carter, the worst president and now former president in the history of the world casts all their votes for (I.C.N.)

The mellow state of California, where marijuana is legal but prayer is not, where we are so far left of center we've fallen off the damn planet casts some votes for (I.C.N.) and the rest we can't remember.
Anyway, maybe it's just me, but I'm looking forward to the madness.

Monday, April 21, 2008

God and Dogs

Yesterday when I was leaving 1st service at church, I heard a woman scolding what I assumed was a child. I looked across the parking lot and saw her with what looked like a very ugly child wearing a t-shirt.

As I got closer I realized that she was speaking to a dog. An ugly dog but a dog none the less. THEN, she put a leash on the dog and walked into church with it. And her family followed her like this was normal!

The fact that the dog would be in a CHURCH is one thing, but it is just not right to put clothes on animals. They really don't think it's as funny as you do. Stop it. No, really, stop it.

Ashes to Ashes

A card from the Neptune Society came the other day with an opportunity to win a pre-paid cremation. I've got nothing to lose so I entered the contest.
So, while I'm waiting to be awarded the prize, I thought I'd take this opportunity to inform you all of my final wishes: embalming, casket purchase and the requisite viewing of a corpse are beyond creepy and seem to be a hideous waste of money. Plus it will really tick me off to be dressed up in clothes someone else selected and stuck in a box while family and friends pass by making inane comments: She looks just like herself!
At those prices shouldn't I look better than myself? Shouldn't I look like a freaking beauty queen?
Don’t buy a grave marker and promise that you’ll visit my grave. I won’t be there and you shouldn’t be either. Besides, I’m claustrophobic, and being shut in a box that costs more than my first car is just wrong.
I’d like for my loved ones to gather because there will be food and fun. Hire a comedian! I want to be remembered as someone who loved to laugh. Don't spend a bunch of money on food either. I love these people but if they really knew me they'd know better than to expect food and entertainment!
Don’t spring for a fancy urn either. If you can’t or won’t sprinkle my remains in the ocean, check in the cupboard, I’m sure there’s an empty Skippy jar you can use.
Grab the one with the blue lid that says “Extra-Chunky”. See? My names already on it!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


The "procedure" went well and having completed the required 24 hour recovery period (this included butt-numbing hours of watching really bad daytime TV) I can now drive a motor vehicle, operate heavy equipment and sign binding legal documents.

I can, but should I? The recovery period may have done permanent damage.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Attn: Driver of the Grey Piece of Crap Car In front Of Me Today:

There's a little stick-like thing on the left side of your steering wheel which operates your turn signals or blinkers. You know, the little lights that flash to let OTHER drivers figure out what you plan to do next.

Turn signals have been standard equipment on automobiles for years. Your car has them too, and no, you don't have to have special training to use them! Remember how you used to have to stick your arm out of the window to signal you were turning or stopping? The little stick replaced that but, here's the catch: YOU HAVE TO USE IT!

I realize you may have thought (I use the term loosely) that everyone around you could read your mind. Honestly, you can't read your mind- how the heck are we supposed to?

I'm just saying that in the future it would be a good idea for you to use those signals. Otherwise this sweet little grandmother is going to give you that special signal. No, it doesn't mean that you're #1.
Don't make me get out of my car and show you.

I feel much better now.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

On This Day In History . . .

. . .Juan Ponce De Leon, also known as "The Ponce", discovered Florida. He began his search for the Fountain of Youth.
Obviously, it was not in Florida where the average age is 82.5. Citizens still search for the miracle waters as evidenced by the large number of cars driving aimlessly about with their left turn signals on.

I understand that the Democratic Party denies the existence of intelligent life in Florida and Michigan. Wait! I've got that wrong- there's no evidence of intelligent life in the Democratic Party.

You want proof? Howard Dean, the Clintons, Obama, Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi- I could go on but I need to bathe after typing those names.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Happy St. Patrick's Day

"May those who love us love
And those who don't love us
May God turn their hearts
And if He doesn't turn their hearts
May he turn their ankles
So we'll know them by their limping."
--Irish prayer
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)

Monday, March 3, 2008

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

"Be who you are and say what you feel 'cause people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind."~ Theodor Seuss Geisel, a.k.a. "Dr. Seuss" 1904-1991

Sunday, February 24, 2008

February 24 thru March 1

This is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.
There will be no potluck. Pie will not be served.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

On This Day in History

1907- President Theodore Roosevelt signed an immigration act which excluded "idiots, imbeciles, feebleminded persons, epileptics and insane persons" from being admitted to the United States.

A hundred years later we can see that President Roosevelt was prophetic: The U.S. is able to produce home-grown idiots and imbeciles.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Year of the Rat

Is it a coincidence that our election year is also the Year of the Rat?
A subtle Chinese connection?

Another Rat fact:
I was reading a health magazine and was surprised at one warning:
There is a chemical in some nail polishes that causes cancer in rodents.

Next month: Humans in shoes can cause squashing-death to spiders and ants.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Right Reason

I don't support nor will I vote for Barack Obama. I take this stand based on his politics not the color of his skin and certainly not based on some Internet rumor that he's a Muslim.

The current circulating email claiming that he is Muslim has been disproved. That it was forwarded by Conservatives saddens me. (You know who you are.) Shame on you- we're supposed to be the good guys, the ones who tell the truth, who stand for the truth.

Email rumors are the same as lies from the town gossip or from the spitful family member who drops insinuations like bread crumbs. A lie is a lie, it doesn't gather respectability just because it came in the mail.

Don't perpetuate gossip. Read the entire article on

Monday, February 4, 2008


Sunday, February 3, 2008

Word Up

Dear Lord~
Just as I asked on Dec 29th, I'd really like for the Giants to win today.
Also, just wanted to remind you that these are the NEW YORK Giants, not the Philistine giants.
These are good giants. The Patriots are cheaters and therefore, NOT GOOD.
I, however have been very good- oh wait, that was for Santa so never mind with that part.
Giants=Good, Patriots=Evil. I'm just saying. . .

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Loner Holiday Established

As a loner I’m quite comfortable- except when it’s a holiday that embraces family, and most holidays do, don’t they?

New Year’s Eve and day are family days. Valentines is at least a couples days. Easter is family. Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day and Thanksgiving and Christmas- all family days. I suppose I could claim Martin Luther King Day, Presidents or Columbus Day for loners but it really should be more obscure than that. Maybe Chinese New Year- except there’s what? A billion Chinese people?

Groundhog Day! That will be the official Loner Day! The groundhog is a solitary sort- newspapers aren’t reporting that “a large number of groundhogs filled the Town Square for their annual weather-predicting festival .”

Groundhog Day is always on February 2nd, it’s freezing outside and the world forgets about it as soon as the critter sees his shadow. The occasion lasts maybe 10 minutes, requires no decoration or food preparation- which I think you'll agree- is tedious, messy and not something we loners are really suited for.

I may have stumbled upon a well-kept secret. I’m certain that not many others know of this because we loners are rather tight-lipped about what we do in our private time. You know how it is: you tell one person and pretty soon it’s all over the internet and there goes our precious loner-ness. In fact, forget I mentioned it, okay?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

A Few Words

I've been trying to come up with something clever for days with no success. I'm at a loss for words with the exception of these: and, the and frenetic.

I know that many of you are creative, can-do people. Make up your own blog today using those words. I can't do everything, I'm not your maid.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Moms vs Pirates

(To the tune of The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything)

We are your mothers, we do everything !
We don't stay home and hang around
And if you ask us to do anything, we’ll just tell you

Well we've been to the cleaners
And we've been to the Doctor
And we've looked for buried treasure in your ears
We have been to teacher conferences
And visited with Santa
And we don't have time

We are your mothers, we do everything!
We don't stay home and hang around
And if you ask us to do anything, We'll just tell you

And we've done all your laundry
And we've mopped all the floors up
And we've listened to your whining
Until blood shot out our ears

We are your mothers, we do EVERYTHING

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Prayer for Today

Dear Lord~
As You know, there's an important football game today- not as important as other stuff You already have on Your To-Do list, (which must be a gi-normous list what with the Primaries going on!) but it's important to me and anyone who doesn't like the New England Patriots. (And seriously, isn't that just about anybody with a lick of sense? I'm just saying . . .)

Anyway, could You see Your way clear to keep the Patriots from winning today? Kinda like You stopped the Egyptians at the Red Sea? Dead in their tracks? Make their wheels fall off and stuff? You don't have to use water- unless you want to, I mean that's totally up to You. This means that Jacksonville has to win but I can live with that.

Also, if You could give favor to the Indianapolis Colts tomorrow and let them win their division, Dude! That would be awesome! (What am I saying? You CREATED awesome!)

On a totally different subject: thanks for steering that asteroid away from Mars. If they had collided You know Al Gore would have blamed it on global warming and the Bush Administration.


Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Good, Bad, Etc

Good: It's a brand new year!
Bad: It will be 11 months before this Presidential election is over.
Ugly: The finger-pointing has only just begun.
Grotesque: The 2000 election is still being rehashed.
("We was robbed," the others sobbed)
Boo-freakin-Hoo! Shut up and get some work done!
I have not yet selected a candidate to support, although there are at least 6 total that I will never support.
I'd like someone who will remember that they're working for:
WE The People . . .

(I threw in the swimsuit pics just for DonTheBaptist.)