Ashes to Ashes

A card from the Neptune Society came the other day with an opportunity to win a pre-paid cremation. I've got nothing to lose so I entered the contest.

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So, while I'm waiting to be awarded the prize, I thought I'd take this opportunity to inform you all of my final wishes: embalming, casket purchase and the requisite viewing of a corpse are beyond creepy and seem to be a hideous waste of money. Plus it will really tick me off to be dressed up in clothes someone else selected and stuck in a box while family and friends pass by making inane comments: She looks just like herself!

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At those prices shouldn't I look better than myself? Shouldn't I look like a freaking beauty queen?

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Don’t buy a grave marker and promise that you’ll visit my grave. I won’t be there and you shouldn’t be either. Besides, I’m claustrophobic, and being shut in a box that costs more than my first car is just wrong.

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I’d like for my loved ones to gather because there will be food and fun. Hire a comedian! I want to be remembered as someone who loved to laugh. Don't spend a bunch of money on food either. I love these people but if they really knew me they'd know better than to expect food and entertainment!

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Don’t spring for a fancy urn either. If you can’t or won’t sprinkle my remains in the ocean, check in the cupboard, I’m sure there’s an empty Skippy jar you can use.

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Grab the one with the blue lid that says “Extra-Chunky”. See? My names already on it!