What Really Happened To The Dinosaurs:

Monkey On Your Back?

I've got a Gorilla in my laundry room!
How's YOUR day going?

Another Sign of the Apocalypse?

Jimmy Carter, Yassar Arafat, Al Gore and now Obama? Give me a huge freaking break. All he has done so far is TALK! He's still blaming the "Previous" Administration for everything from Terrorism to the Reason Wool Shrinks In Hot Water.

Meanwhile, our unemployment numbers are through the roof. The only people that work less than the unemployed are those in Congress- which might actually be a good thing given their proclivities at screwing things up!

Remember when the Nobel Peace Prize really meant something? I guess the last time it truly reflected anything nobel was when it was awarded to Dr. King.

Stuff O' the Day

Today is Jimmy Carter's birthday! (I knew you'd all want to know that.) Here's a birthday suggestion for the Former President:
Save up all that hot air you're so famous for and use it to blow out your candles! Maybe Hugo and Fidel can help you out. Better guard your cake from Michael Moore.

FYI: I believe that you were the worst president in my lifetime and I hated Nixon. You do the math. (Does that make me a racist towards silly southern peanut farmers?)

Some Thoughts I had Yesterday, Sunday, Sept 27

My brother Bill celebrated his 58th birthday yesterday, and in what has got to be the weirdest astrological coincidence of the 20th century, so did the singer Meat Loaf. Bill is camping somewhere in the Colorado mountains. I have no clue as to the whereabouts of Mr. Loaf but, (drumroll please) he wasn't on my dinner table!

Pulitzer Prize winning columnist William Safire passed away yesterday. Awarded the Medal of Freedom in 2006, Mr Safire held high journalistic standards and was a mentor and friend to a generation of Washington journalists of all political persuasions. I suppose it goes without saying that Maureen Dowd was not one of them.

I also learned that "Big Russ" Russert passed away on Sept. 24th at the age of 85. His son, the late Tim Russert, commentator on Meet the Press, introduced many of us to his Dad in his book, Big Russ and Me, Father and Son: Lessons in Life. "Big Russ" was a sterling example of why the generation that experienced the Depression and won World War II were indeed the Greatest Generation. I'm sure Tim met his dad at the pearly gates with a Rolling Rock beer and a newspaper with the Buffalo Bills latest scores. R.I.P. Big Russ.

Courtesy of Don The Baptist

New Health Care to Come?

This can't possibly be MY fault!

Empty Thoughts

I haven't been thinkin' much lately and what I have thought can be summed up as this:

The loud sucking sound you've been hearing is our government being flushed down the toilet by the liberals.

The Hounds of Hell Released in the Big Apple

Dateline: Sept. 14, 1948:

On this day in history a groundbreaking ceremony took place in New York City at the site of United Nations' world headquarters.

Stuff I'm Doing This Summer

Oscar 'n me (could it be love?)

No REAL news?

This asinine 24/7 coverage of Michael Jackson has pushed REAL news off the media's radar.
What happened to the protests in Iran? No more Facebook or Twitter pleas from the protesters?
North Korea is still aiming missiles at Hawaii, while Honduras has a coup and we're fighting a war in two countries- but we're inundated with "news" about how much some over-indulged celebrity weighed and whether he was a drug addict.
Answer to that burning question: Who really cares???

This continuing coverage makes me ashamed of our country with its preoccupation of some self-destructive freak!

The Evil Book Editor Returns . . .

Just As I Suspected . . .

OBAMA WORLD TOUR!

The 2009 Muslim Apology World Tour

Excerpt of Obama's Speech to:

Saudi Arabia

Israel

Palestinian Territory

Egypt

Germany

France

Including:

Any place a Muslim has walked, talked, slept or thought about!

No real or perceived insult left un-apologized for!

Special attention to Saudi Arabia:

"We're sorry those darn 9/11 Muslims came from here, but heck, it is what it is and we're sure sorry folks back home don't like ya'll. I keep trying to get them to stop calling you the "T" word; Heck, back at the Big House we don't even call it a "war" anymore. We're real sorry Americans love their country so much that they'd give their lives to keep it safe and free. What are you gonna do?

They're weird like that.

But Hey, the folks that count (Democrats) they think you're swell!

Will you be our new best friend?

THE DIRT AGE

Geez, Jerry Mathers (as the Beaver) is 61 today and the current issue of AARP has Opie on the cover.
I have no wise crack, just a confession: they were both a big part of my childhood; it's like we grew up together.
Dang! I must be getting older than dirt.

Prop 8 Wins!

Finally a court in California got it right with upholding Prop 8! The people voted for marriage to be recognized as legal between a man and a woman in 2000 and we were slapped in the face. This time the Supreme Court apparently got the message that we were serious.

No one lost their civil rights anymore than I lost the right to be Miss California or an Olympic gold medal winner. Period.

Family Fun?

Looking for someplace to take your sick kids, your sister and her three snot-nosed kids, Grandma and your unemployed husband? A free place that's local?Someplace air-conditioned and full of happy people who are thrilled to be in the same room with your coughing child?

Frankly, I don't know where that would be. I CAN tell you where it's not:

The Department of Motor Vehicles and Wal-Mart.

After recent visits to both places I've got to say: for fun? Not so much!
After 10 min. I hate your kids. After 20 min. I'm conspiring ways to torture your entire family that makes waterboarding look like an all expenses-paid trip to DisneyWorld and Hurricane Harbor.

I'm not proud of those thoughts but they happened. I am not a bad person, I just have bad thoughts sometimes. Sorry.

Nancy Pinnochio?

Does Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, really believe that Americans in general, and California voters in particular, are ignorant?

Either (A) She's a blatant liar * or (B) She's too stupid to hold that position. *
I've heard five-year-olds lie more convincingly about stealing cookies!

*In the event that an ignorant person reads this: the answer is BOTH A & B.

New Disease Coming Soon!

We had the swine flu back in '76 when then President, Gerald Ford, ordered that we all be inoculated against it. Only problem was, folks kept dying from the vaccine!

We've been threatened with Mad Cow Disease and the Bird flu.What's next?
I predict The Llama Flu. Symptoms include uncontrolled spitting.
That pandemic will begin once they've added up all that the Congress has indebted us with.

Unfortunately, we'll all be standing in line at the DMV* which will become the clearing house for National Health Care: You think you have the flu? That would be window # 593. Wait in the line for the next available government employee.

*It is my prediction that the DMV will be selected because those employees are already well-versed in tying red tape into elaborate knots. I'm just saying . . .

Green Eggs and Joe?

Say Joe, would you fly on a plane?

I would not, could not!

Are you insane?

Not in a subway

Not on a plane

Not in the rain!

Not in the morning

Not in the night

I would not, could not!

That's not right!

How 'bout a train, Joe

Would you go in a train?

I would not, could not

in a train

I would not, could not

I HAVE a brain!

I would not travel on a train,

not on a boat

not in a plane!

I know about those deadly swine

those germs all mixing up with mine!

Oh, there's so much

I wouldn't do

I'm not a jerk, I'm not a fool!***

***White House Disclaimer: What Joe meant is. . . Actually no one knows what the hell he meant! He doesn't know what he meant! Is there an "off" button on this guy?

ACLU and YOU

News Flash: Americans have a constitutional right to be nude in public!

(Aren't these the same folks who are against enhanced torture? Hey guys, Take a look around, you might want to rethink that idea)

In Confirmation of Last Weeks Poem:

We're The Bad Guys?

I’m an American
Blame it on me.
Whatever’s gone wrong
In your country-
Blame me

We are the bad guys
(Or so they say)
If your life sucks-
Blame America today

Your people are starving?
They’re dying of aids?
It’s the fault of Americans
In the U.S. of A.

Your shoes do not fit?
Your pants are too tight?
Blame it on America
It’s all right

The Globe keeps on warming?
We’re spoiling the sea?
I’m an American
Blame it on me.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3qvCJNSwSM

P.E.T.A. and the Pirates

You know it's just a matter of time before the animal rights group protests the use of SEALS to kill the pirates and rescue Capt. Phillips. PETA will surely be followed by the anti-gun folks forming a protest group against allowing animals to possess assault weapons.

On a similar note: Congress is expected to extend unemployment benefits to seals rescued from aquariums. Benefits will include colorful beach balls and fish. AND, because seals do not have opposable thumbs they'll qualify for Disabled American Rights.
Of course, if they are un-armed they'll have no need for thumbs. It's a slippery slope . . .

98% of BABIES MANIC-DEPRESSIVE!!!

NEW YORK—A new study published in The Journal Of Pediatric Medicine found that a shocking 98 percent of all infants suffer from bipolar disorder. "The majority of our subjects, regardless of size, sex, or race, exhibited extreme mood swings, often crying one minute and then giggling playfully the next," the study's author Dr. Steven Gregory told reporters. "Additionally we found that most babies had trouble concentrating during the day, often struggled to sleep at night, and could not be counted on to take care of themselves—all classic symptoms of manic depression." Gregory added that nearly 100 percent of infants appear to suffer from the poor motor skills and impaired speech associated with Parkinson's disease.

The Year of the Nuts

First peanuts and now pistachios are suspected of being little nuggets of death.
I must be the only nut left on the shelf that hasn't been recalled!

Employment Opportunity:

Someone with a strong back and an even stronger stomach needed to muck-out the stalls of Congress.

Payment: The thanks of millions of grateful Americans who have had it with the stupidity of our nation's lawmakers.

This is Change?

Dog and Pony Show

I'm watching this interrogation of AIG CEO Liddy and steam is coming out my ears! Barney and friends act as if they weren't part of the late night meetings where Chris Dodd made a point of allowing these bonuses to be paid.

Is it a surprise that there is a huge pile of "manure" they're all stepping in now?

The Slutification of Dora?

My distrust of Dora the Explorer is well known (view archives Nov. 6, 2007) but then it was her immigration and indoctrination habits. Now, her handlers think she needs to "mature" so that she will be attractive to tweens.

Tweens? I hate that term! Between Child and Teen? Isn't that a 12 yr. old? Can't kids stay kids before they become miniature Britney Spears?

Parents: Turn the damn TV off and send your kids outside to play!

Sen. Chris Dodd and AIG

Do you think Sen. Chris Dodd is in bed with AIG? He's the guy who inserted specific language into the bailout that allowed AIG to dole out these bonuses to their execs.

Maybe if the Congress had READ the bill before voting. . .

Meanwhile, Barney Frank expresses outrage but does nothing but provide lip service. (Insert your own joke here.)

My head may actually explode today! I feel rants on a variety of topics coming on.

Attn: Sensitive readers: Enter at your own risk today!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

"May those who love us love
And those who don't love us
May God turn their hearts
And if He doesn't turn their hearts
May He turn their ankles
So we'll know them by their limping."
--Irish prayer

(and just good, common sense!)

Say It Ain't So, Joe!

Joe "If I Only Had a Brain" Biden let the f-bomb drop today while his mic was open.

This guy has got to be the most effective bullet-proof vest the Obama Administration could ask for.

A heartbeat away? Followed by Nancy Pelosi?
God help us.

PIGS FLY!

I watched an interview with Dennis Kucinich about how the T.A.R.P. funds have been misspent by Banks - investing in China and Saudi Arabia. He actually made sense and I (gulp) found myself agreeing with him.

I have taken an antidote (Rush, Hannity and Ann Coulter) so there should be a large number of swine landing soon.

Notice of Suspension

Due to lack of interest (mine) and an inability to think (also mine) this blog will be inactive for the next week or so. As soon as my rapid-fire wit and sarcasm return, unhampered by chronic pain and mind-numbing drugs, I will return.

I'm praying for healing and I'd be grateful if you would too . . .

By Any Other Name . . .

If you don't pay your taxes you'll be called a Tax Cheat, Tax Evader or worse, An Unpatriotic Crook.

. . . If you don't pay your taxes, and your name is Tom Daschle or Tim Geitner, you'll be called, "Mr. Secretary"

My Point Exactly!

Nothing cures a case of overthinking

like a dose of sarcasm.

Letter to Columnist

(for context, read Kathleen Parker's column in today's A.V. Press, page A-10.)

Dear Ms. Parker,

Your column announcing the death of Cynicism and Snark assured me of one thing: I'm screwed! Not just me but all unrepentant smart-alecs with sarcasm coursing through our veins.

How will we now point out how sanctimonious and moronic many of our leaders truly are? i.e. Nancy and Harry, Barney and Charlie- you know who they are.

I imagine we will be forced underground to whisper our wicked humor in dark alleys or in cold steel and concrete parking structures.

Will we slip between the hybrid cars to sneer at our leaders? Probably not, most of those cars are the size of a box of crackers - the trial size!

The future looms large - we are definitely screwed!


Sincerely,
A Fan and Fellow Snarker

Letter to the President

Dear President Obama,
Although I didn't vote for you, I accept that the majority of Americans selected you to lead this great country. I pledge my support and respect for the office you now hold. I ask only that you seek wisdom and guidance from the One True God in taking us forward.
I am proud to see Dr. King's dream at last fulfilled and pray that we can let the chains and barriers of the past drop away. I pray that they are replaced by willing hands and willing hearts reflecting God's grace and mercy.
May God bless and keep you and your family and may God continue to bless America.

Sincerely,

A Proud American Citizen

P.S. Word up: I will surely crack wise from time to time, it's what I do, it's who I am.
After all the hoopla and expectation of your speech, I was hoping that the first words out of your mouth would be "I got nothing" and the media could put an end to their slobbering adoration.

Speech! Speech!

Tomorrow, Inaguration Day, Barak Obama has to make a meaningful speech that will be remembered for all time. His words will be compared to Lincoln, FDR and Kennedy. WOW! No pressure.

Automobile Tip O' the Day

Do you know when it's time to replace your tires?
I've been told to stick a penny in the tread and then some other weird thing about Lincoln that I can never remember. So, I've written a little rhyme that might be useful to all of us:

I see London

I see France

I see Lincoln's Underpants.

Time for new tires.

What Don't I Know?

I've heard that the point in life when you've become wise is when you can acknowledge that "you don't know what you don't know."

I suppose that's true, but I don't know.

111th Congress Begins . . .

. . .with a Dog & Pony Show. I've rested up from November so now I'll amuse myself by watching the Democrats canniblize one another.
Act 1: Roland Burris

Meanwhile, back at Camp Obama: Leon Panetta picked as CIA Chief. This means a kinder, gentler interrogation of people who want to destroy our country.
Will hot cocoa, candy and pony rides await terrorists?

Reflections on 2008

As I reflect on 2008, I can say we had a great year:
Black folks are happy; Obama was elected.
White folks are happy, OJ is in jail.
Democrats are happy; George Bush is leaving office.
Republicans are happy: Democrats can finally quit saying George Bush stole the election.
And all of us are so happy; The election is finally over!

2009 will be even better because immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, reverse global warming, find Osama, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace . Then on the 7th day, He will rest.